Serving a self-imposed weekend suspension for cumulative, overzealous cycling behavior taxed the soul, at least for ME. No rides this weekend left ME with the twitches. On Saturday, took my 16 year-old for a practice drive (full Aussie), an act of penitence whilst trying to instill a greater sense of safety in the psyche of my precious daughter.
During the drive (50+ miles of Aussie greatness), I witnessed a heaping helping of cyclists in various stages of fitness. Since I can't relate any firsthand HCD exploits, our readership will have to make due with random observations on the rider at large made by ME during the inevitably tedious (sometimes frightening) shotgun ride around ATX.
Topic of the Day? NOOB ALERT. If you are unaware of the definition of a NOOB, you may well be one. Gamers refer to the uninitiated in this scornful term. A NOOB (newbie) is likely to blunder into a firefight with axe drawn, or be the guy running in place into the corner of the building while enemies leisurely toss grenades at him. On the road, there are telltale signs of NOOBness. If you ask ME, here are a few:
1. NEON - Just ask Stanton. This is his biggest peeve. I agree with him. Rapha doesn't sell anything in neon. Which means it is uncool. If you own some, wear it with pride, knowing you look like your gramps mowing the lawn in knee high black socks and penny loafers.
2. CamelBak - No self-respecting roadie wears a camelbak. Stopping to refuel is part of the social contract of cycling. A camelbak makes a statement that you are like the RoadWarrior, with barrels of fuel hoarded in the back of your NOS-juiced, post apocalyptic steed. Mel Gibson is crazy. The apocalypse is still pending. So stop. Get some water bottles. They are like $5.
3. MTB Helmet - This is a small thing. But significant. that visor on the end of your helmet marks you like a fat kid holding a bag of smarties. Take it off dude.
4. RollerCoaster! - You know a NOOB straight off when you see absolutely no pedaling on stretches of flats/slight declines. On ONLY the fiercest descents should the pedals idle. This ain't a picnic. So turn 'em. Nice and steady. We dominate the downhill because we don't stop workin!
5. Rock-n-Roll - Another tell of the NOOB? inordinate body movement on efforts. When someone is pulling a "Stevie Wonder" on the bike, they either have the worst fit in the world, or they need to learn how to economize. Upper body movement is wasteful and unwanted. Look at Michael Rasmussen. That guy probably doesn't even FEED himself! So refrain from the histrionic shoulder swaying/head bobbing that proved your effort when you were ten, riding that Huffy with the slick on the back. Be still. Let your hammers do the shouting.
6. NO PARTY LINES - Back in the stone age, my parents talked on a "party line." For the sub-40 crowd, this meant that multiple families shared a land line. So one could listen in on their neighbors conversation, and vice versa. On the bike, there are no party lines. No sharing your line, no wheeling into your neighbor's line. You hold your line, your neighbor holds his. No beeboppin' and skattin' betwixt and between. Predictable.
7. First Hill KOM - Don't blow the matchbook on the first climb. This makes for a long day of suffering, and plays into the hands of the "Friends" that invited you out for the Hammerfest. Getting on the podium on Hill #1 can lead to tearful calls to your wife 75% into the ride. This is not an aphrodisiac.
8. Premature Unclipulator - After the inevitable fall at slow speeds due to failure to unclip, there is a tendency to henceforth de-clip early. Disengaging from the pedals prematurely severely limits your options, and just looks goofy. Stay clipped until nearly stopped. Do it for your perineum.
9. Gorilla Legs - No further explanation necessary.
10.Wattage Slut - This is a second level NOOB. Just got your powermeter, and need to share your numbers with the world. Worse, you need to know everyone else's numbers. Constantly. Having worked through this issue myself, I empathize. Power is cool. Even cooler when kept private, focused on training plans and ride strategy.
During the drive (50+ miles of Aussie greatness), I witnessed a heaping helping of cyclists in various stages of fitness. Since I can't relate any firsthand HCD exploits, our readership will have to make due with random observations on the rider at large made by ME during the inevitably tedious (sometimes frightening) shotgun ride around ATX.
Topic of the Day? NOOB ALERT. If you are unaware of the definition of a NOOB, you may well be one. Gamers refer to the uninitiated in this scornful term. A NOOB (newbie) is likely to blunder into a firefight with axe drawn, or be the guy running in place into the corner of the building while enemies leisurely toss grenades at him. On the road, there are telltale signs of NOOBness. If you ask ME, here are a few:
1. NEON - Just ask Stanton. This is his biggest peeve. I agree with him. Rapha doesn't sell anything in neon. Which means it is uncool. If you own some, wear it with pride, knowing you look like your gramps mowing the lawn in knee high black socks and penny loafers.
2. CamelBak - No self-respecting roadie wears a camelbak. Stopping to refuel is part of the social contract of cycling. A camelbak makes a statement that you are like the RoadWarrior, with barrels of fuel hoarded in the back of your NOS-juiced, post apocalyptic steed. Mel Gibson is crazy. The apocalypse is still pending. So stop. Get some water bottles. They are like $5.
3. MTB Helmet - This is a small thing. But significant. that visor on the end of your helmet marks you like a fat kid holding a bag of smarties. Take it off dude.
4. RollerCoaster! - You know a NOOB straight off when you see absolutely no pedaling on stretches of flats/slight declines. On ONLY the fiercest descents should the pedals idle. This ain't a picnic. So turn 'em. Nice and steady. We dominate the downhill because we don't stop workin!
5. Rock-n-Roll - Another tell of the NOOB? inordinate body movement on efforts. When someone is pulling a "Stevie Wonder" on the bike, they either have the worst fit in the world, or they need to learn how to economize. Upper body movement is wasteful and unwanted. Look at Michael Rasmussen. That guy probably doesn't even FEED himself! So refrain from the histrionic shoulder swaying/head bobbing that proved your effort when you were ten, riding that Huffy with the slick on the back. Be still. Let your hammers do the shouting.
6. NO PARTY LINES - Back in the stone age, my parents talked on a "party line." For the sub-40 crowd, this meant that multiple families shared a land line. So one could listen in on their neighbors conversation, and vice versa. On the bike, there are no party lines. No sharing your line, no wheeling into your neighbor's line. You hold your line, your neighbor holds his. No beeboppin' and skattin' betwixt and between. Predictable.
7. First Hill KOM - Don't blow the matchbook on the first climb. This makes for a long day of suffering, and plays into the hands of the "Friends" that invited you out for the Hammerfest. Getting on the podium on Hill #1 can lead to tearful calls to your wife 75% into the ride. This is not an aphrodisiac.
8. Premature Unclipulator - After the inevitable fall at slow speeds due to failure to unclip, there is a tendency to henceforth de-clip early. Disengaging from the pedals prematurely severely limits your options, and just looks goofy. Stay clipped until nearly stopped. Do it for your perineum.
9. Gorilla Legs - No further explanation necessary.
10.Wattage Slut - This is a second level NOOB. Just got your powermeter, and need to share your numbers with the world. Worse, you need to know everyone else's numbers. Constantly. Having worked through this issue myself, I empathize. Power is cool. Even cooler when kept private, focused on training plans and ride strategy.
1 comment:
One of your best! The Camelback paragraph had me laughing out loud in my study by myself!
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