It takes a really novel experience to goad ME into documentation mode. I just had one of those.
Do you have a friend that just loves nostalgia? One that gets misty-eyed at the sight of a 1965 Porsche, or any note of any song by The Band? A guy that staunchly believes that New Old Stock (NOS) is absolutely NOT an oxymoron, but a time machine to the sweet sweet days of yesteryear? I got one of those. He is an absolute mensch of a guy. Super fun to be around, great character. Save for his NOS passion, he is also pretty normal. But hey, we all have our stuff, right?
So when my buddy says, "hey! I did this incredible vintage bike ride! It was EPIC! You gotta do it!"I thought, how bad could it be? I love to turn the pedals, and this particular ride was in Paso Robles/Cambria. Having visited a few times previously, I knew it to be incredibly beautiful, and full of some truly special wine tasting opportunities. So...count me in, I said.
This started a chain of events that culminated with ME:
1. Cursing like Lt Dan in a hurricane. Most of this cursing was directed at my NOS bike.
2. Walking my bike up a hill. shameful.
3. Being filmed by a Paparazzi-in-training (PIT) as I walked said NOS bike up hill.
4. Calling aforementioned PIT a "DICK"while on film. Color me proud.
But I get a little ahead of myself.
My good friend, (we'll call him David Hasselhoff), convinces me and some others of similar ilk/gullibility that a vintage bike ride is the portal to an era where cycling was SIMPLER. PURER.
All we needed to do was buy a
6.1 – Bicycles
Historical Bikes (also called Bici Eroiche, in Italian) are all road racing bikes built in 1987 or earlier, with or without gears, as those built in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. These bicycles most likely have a steel frame, but also other types of rare frames are permitted, such as the aluminum frames built by Alan and Vitus, with screwed or glued joints, the Exxon Graftek frames of the late 1970’s with carbon tubes glued to aluminum lugs and Teledyne Titanium frame set made in the 1970's and some aluminum frames that were built in the 30's.
The bicycles should be in line with the following general guidelines regarding components:
a) more recent bikes with gears and derailleurs, such as, but not limited to Simplex, Huret, Campagnolo, Zeus, Shimano, Suntour, etc. must have shift levers on the down tube of the frame; exceptions include pre-1980 non indexed bar-end gear shifters, Stem mounted friction shifters and rod/hand manual operated front derailleurs;
b) pedals should be with toe clips and straps or, for older bikes, as the original pedals; quick release, clip-less pedals are not allowed. You may ride the traditional pedals without the toe clips or straps.
c) we prefer the traditional brake lever setup on the bicycles, brake cables pass outside and over the handlebars (cables can pass inside the top tube of main frame), however, starting in 2017, aero brake levers without built in shifters will be allowed.
d) older geared bicycles should have original shifters such as Cambio Corsa, Cambio Paris Roubaix, Cambio Vittoria Margherita, etc.;
e) wheels must have at least 32 spokes laced to a low profile rim (20 mm depth or less, except for the wood rims); the rims must be of either steel, aluminum or wood;
f) both tubular tyres and clinchers with inner tubes are allowed;
g) we invite participants to fit saddles from the same period of the bicycles, so a model of 1987 or earlier, or a vintage model of modern production such as Brooks leather saddles, Cinelli replicas, San Marco, etc;
h) the change of the gear ratios is allowed due to the difficulty of the ride;
i) there are no particular rules on the type of brakes as long as they are in line with the construction period of the bicycle and that they are efficient for safety reasons.
Of course, older road racing bicycles of the early 1900’s with single gear or flip-flop rear hubs don’t need to comply with the above criteria as long as they have their original components.
"Vintage-Looking Bikes" with steel frames from new or recent construction with vintage look and characteristics may be used only if they are assembled using vintage components or replicated parts similar to the original as described above. In particular if the bikes are inspired by the design of road racing bicycles of the 1970’s and 1980’s, they must comply with rules a), b), and c) above, regarding shift levers, toe clips and straps, and brake cables.
Exemptions regarding the type of bicycle will be granted to participants with disabilities, as long as they make a specific request to the organization at the time of registration.
For the short route, other types of vintage bicycles will be admitted, such as postman’s bikes, military bikes, general working bicycles, leisure bicycles, etc. as long as they were built in 1987 or earlier.
Mountain bikes, cyclo cross bikes and time trial bikes are excluded from all routes.
Any registered cyclist who arrives at the start line or found on the route on the day of the ride with a bicycle/components that do not conform with the criteria set forth by the event organizers may face an immediate disqualification upon discovery.
That should be easy to find.
Well, it actually was pretty easy for ME. Because my buddy David has about 30 of them in his garage. I now believe he has been concocting this plan for quite sometime. accumulating inventory that fit the most likely suspects. Working the subject into daily conversation. Normalizing the lunacy. It worked. Hasselhoff reconstituted 3 bikes, plus two of his own. Just one for ME, thank you. 1978 Viner (pronounced Vee-Nair in I-TALLY-ON). or Viner in Murrica.
All NOS Campy Nuovo Record. Cutting edge technology in its time. Of course, there was a time when a femur was a technological breakthrough, but let's not quibble.
Dave did a great job restoring this bike to its 1978 glory. It truly looks spectacular.
I will not go into any detail the handful of mechanical issues that presented during shakeouts that lead up to the ride. They foreshadowed. Yes, they did.
So training ensued. But it was just 75 miles, amiright? How hard could that be?
Yeah, and we booked an 8 hour wine tour the day before. Hydration? HA! See above paragraph.
RIDE DAY
We awoke slightly groggy from a delightful day in Paso. I highly recommend Toast Tours, if you are looking to visit some Paso wineries.
https://toasttours.com
Ride starts as most do. Flush with expectation and adrenaline. Then BOOM. Mechanical #1.
Mechanical #1 (Mile 1) - my chain is fused. This is on ME. DH fixes and we move on.
Mechanical #2 (Mile 3) - my buddy breaks a toe clip. That was NOT on ME.
Mechanical #3 (Mile 10)
Hasselhof blows a tubular. At this point, our buddy THE TICKET dives on the grenade. In a consummate team player move, he swaps his wheels out, giving up the rest of the ride so that Hasselhof can soldier on. This proved to me why he is a CEO. Delegate the suffering to those that enjoy it, and they will THANK YOU FOR IT. That CEO tip is provided free of charge. Look for his soon-to-be-released book, titled "CEO's and the Art of Inception"
So we wheeled on, without the Ticket. But with his wheels, so I guess he was still kind of with us.
Mechanical #4 - small ring not accessible in front. This was problematic, as there was "some" climbing on this course. And since it was a vintage ride, the organizers decided that even pavement was optional. 25 miles of gravel y'all. Thanks be to Yahweh, I found the little ring near the top of climb #1. See action photo below
To summarize, the chain leads to the toeclip leads to the cramp in my right leg leads to me CURSING leads to me walking the bike leads to me CURSING the Italian cameraman leads to me sitting atop the hill, utterly crushed. Hasselhof's response to this chain of events? EPIC!
I will not go into great detail about the descent from that hill. 20% grades, potholed dirt tracks, 41 year old bike parts, 50+ year old body. Others said it was the most scared they have ever been on a bike. No argument here.
On a related note, there was an unprecedented amount of cyclists dealing with mechanical challenges along the route. Nostalgia is costly sometimes. For instance, i witnessed a female cyclist's front brake lock up, sending her at relatively low speed into a grassy roadside berm. As we passed the incident, air acrid from smoking brake pads, we shouted obligatorily "are you ok?" her response "I hope so" was perfect. She had no idea what would happen next. We were all hoping the same thing the whole ride.
In the end, what did we learn from this? Well here are my top 5 takeaways:
1. I love the future
2. Italians are kinda mean
3. Maybe I am not heroic
4. Wet wool smells like wet dog
5. I love hanging with my friends, no matter the circumstances. It was really fun, but so brutally and unnecessarily hard.
If this writeup sounds cranky, my apologies. I am getting on in years, and my right leg is still really sore. By the time I re-assemble my bike, it will be Super Nuovo Vintage, if you know what I mean. Until next time, when i get talked into some crazy Idaho-type location ride.
How hard can it be? They grow potatoes there!!
Do you have a friend that just loves nostalgia? One that gets misty-eyed at the sight of a 1965 Porsche, or any note of any song by The Band? A guy that staunchly believes that New Old Stock (NOS) is absolutely NOT an oxymoron, but a time machine to the sweet sweet days of yesteryear? I got one of those. He is an absolute mensch of a guy. Super fun to be around, great character. Save for his NOS passion, he is also pretty normal. But hey, we all have our stuff, right?
So when my buddy says, "hey! I did this incredible vintage bike ride! It was EPIC! You gotta do it!"I thought, how bad could it be? I love to turn the pedals, and this particular ride was in Paso Robles/Cambria. Having visited a few times previously, I knew it to be incredibly beautiful, and full of some truly special wine tasting opportunities. So...count me in, I said.
This started a chain of events that culminated with ME:
1. Cursing like Lt Dan in a hurricane. Most of this cursing was directed at my NOS bike.
2. Walking my bike up a hill. shameful.
3. Being filmed by a Paparazzi-in-training (PIT) as I walked said NOS bike up hill.
4. Calling aforementioned PIT a "DICK"while on film. Color me proud.
But I get a little ahead of myself.
My good friend, (we'll call him David Hasselhoff), convinces me and some others of similar ilk/gullibility that a vintage bike ride is the portal to an era where cycling was SIMPLER. PURER.
All we needed to do was buy a
6.1 – Bicycles
Historical Bikes (also called Bici Eroiche, in Italian) are all road racing bikes built in 1987 or earlier, with or without gears, as those built in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. These bicycles most likely have a steel frame, but also other types of rare frames are permitted, such as the aluminum frames built by Alan and Vitus, with screwed or glued joints, the Exxon Graftek frames of the late 1970’s with carbon tubes glued to aluminum lugs and Teledyne Titanium frame set made in the 1970's and some aluminum frames that were built in the 30's.
The bicycles should be in line with the following general guidelines regarding components:
a) more recent bikes with gears and derailleurs, such as, but not limited to Simplex, Huret, Campagnolo, Zeus, Shimano, Suntour, etc. must have shift levers on the down tube of the frame; exceptions include pre-1980 non indexed bar-end gear shifters, Stem mounted friction shifters and rod/hand manual operated front derailleurs;
b) pedals should be with toe clips and straps or, for older bikes, as the original pedals; quick release, clip-less pedals are not allowed. You may ride the traditional pedals without the toe clips or straps.
c) we prefer the traditional brake lever setup on the bicycles, brake cables pass outside and over the handlebars (cables can pass inside the top tube of main frame), however, starting in 2017, aero brake levers without built in shifters will be allowed.
d) older geared bicycles should have original shifters such as Cambio Corsa, Cambio Paris Roubaix, Cambio Vittoria Margherita, etc.;
e) wheels must have at least 32 spokes laced to a low profile rim (20 mm depth or less, except for the wood rims); the rims must be of either steel, aluminum or wood;
f) both tubular tyres and clinchers with inner tubes are allowed;
g) we invite participants to fit saddles from the same period of the bicycles, so a model of 1987 or earlier, or a vintage model of modern production such as Brooks leather saddles, Cinelli replicas, San Marco, etc;
h) the change of the gear ratios is allowed due to the difficulty of the ride;
i) there are no particular rules on the type of brakes as long as they are in line with the construction period of the bicycle and that they are efficient for safety reasons.
Of course, older road racing bicycles of the early 1900’s with single gear or flip-flop rear hubs don’t need to comply with the above criteria as long as they have their original components.
"Vintage-Looking Bikes" with steel frames from new or recent construction with vintage look and characteristics may be used only if they are assembled using vintage components or replicated parts similar to the original as described above. In particular if the bikes are inspired by the design of road racing bicycles of the 1970’s and 1980’s, they must comply with rules a), b), and c) above, regarding shift levers, toe clips and straps, and brake cables.
Exemptions regarding the type of bicycle will be granted to participants with disabilities, as long as they make a specific request to the organization at the time of registration.
For the short route, other types of vintage bicycles will be admitted, such as postman’s bikes, military bikes, general working bicycles, leisure bicycles, etc. as long as they were built in 1987 or earlier.
Mountain bikes, cyclo cross bikes and time trial bikes are excluded from all routes.
Any registered cyclist who arrives at the start line or found on the route on the day of the ride with a bicycle/components that do not conform with the criteria set forth by the event organizers may face an immediate disqualification upon discovery.
That should be easy to find.
Well, it actually was pretty easy for ME. Because my buddy David has about 30 of them in his garage. I now believe he has been concocting this plan for quite sometime. accumulating inventory that fit the most likely suspects. Working the subject into daily conversation. Normalizing the lunacy. It worked. Hasselhoff reconstituted 3 bikes, plus two of his own. Just one for ME, thank you. 1978 Viner (pronounced Vee-Nair in I-TALLY-ON). or Viner in Murrica.
All NOS Campy Nuovo Record. Cutting edge technology in its time. Of course, there was a time when a femur was a technological breakthrough, but let's not quibble.
Downtube Shifters - Monolith-worthy, no doubt
V-Nair
I will not go into any detail the handful of mechanical issues that presented during shakeouts that lead up to the ride. They foreshadowed. Yes, they did.
So training ensued. But it was just 75 miles, amiright? How hard could that be?
Yeah, and we booked an 8 hour wine tour the day before. Hydration? HA! See above paragraph.
RIDE DAY
We awoke slightly groggy from a delightful day in Paso. I highly recommend Toast Tours, if you are looking to visit some Paso wineries.
https://toasttours.com
Ride starts as most do. Flush with expectation and adrenaline. Then BOOM. Mechanical #1.
Mechanical #1 (Mile 1) - my chain is fused. This is on ME. DH fixes and we move on.
Mechanical #2 (Mile 3) - my buddy breaks a toe clip. That was NOT on ME.
Wally knew we were screwed
Mechanical #3 (Mile 10)
Hasselhof blows a tubular. At this point, our buddy THE TICKET dives on the grenade. In a consummate team player move, he swaps his wheels out, giving up the rest of the ride so that Hasselhof can soldier on. This proved to me why he is a CEO. Delegate the suffering to those that enjoy it, and they will THANK YOU FOR IT. That CEO tip is provided free of charge. Look for his soon-to-be-released book, titled "CEO's and the Art of Inception"
This was once hi-technology
So we wheeled on, without the Ticket. But with his wheels, so I guess he was still kind of with us.
Mechanical #4 - small ring not accessible in front. This was problematic, as there was "some" climbing on this course. And since it was a vintage ride, the organizers decided that even pavement was optional. 25 miles of gravel y'all. Thanks be to Yahweh, I found the little ring near the top of climb #1. See action photo below
Herr Dykes and Hasselhoff on climb #1
Mechanical #5-7 (thrown chain - between spokes and rear cassette). Later, after the echoes of my cursing had finally ceased, I was told that I shift too late. My response: I got this feedback too late. Chain thrown? What fresh hell is this, 1978? Don't tell me that the year that brought us Shadow Dancing by Andy Gibb is the pinnacle of human achievement. Or how about that incredible flick: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? Dial that up on Netflix y'all. Nostalgia OVER. I have been spoiled by technology. And it is GLORIOUS. The bzzzzzz of my Di2. Unerring. Patch me up to the Matrix.
Fun Exercise: Throw a chain at the bottom of a 20% grade, stop to fix it, then try to get your foot back in the toeclip. What happens next? HILARITY, at least for those around you. For ME, it resulted in smashing my toeclip to a thinness that only a supermodel would appreciate.[curses, curses and more curses] So, without your left foot in the toe clips, proceed to climb a hill, (WITH ONE LEG) that looks something like this:
(Warning: Grade steeper than photo indicates)
To summarize, the chain leads to the toeclip leads to the cramp in my right leg leads to me CURSING leads to me walking the bike leads to me CURSING the Italian cameraman leads to me sitting atop the hill, utterly crushed. Hasselhof's response to this chain of events? EPIC!
I will not go into great detail about the descent from that hill. 20% grades, potholed dirt tracks, 41 year old bike parts, 50+ year old body. Others said it was the most scared they have ever been on a bike. No argument here.
On a related note, there was an unprecedented amount of cyclists dealing with mechanical challenges along the route. Nostalgia is costly sometimes. For instance, i witnessed a female cyclist's front brake lock up, sending her at relatively low speed into a grassy roadside berm. As we passed the incident, air acrid from smoking brake pads, we shouted obligatorily "are you ok?" her response "I hope so" was perfect. She had no idea what would happen next. We were all hoping the same thing the whole ride.
In the end, what did we learn from this? Well here are my top 5 takeaways:
1. I love the future
2. Italians are kinda mean
3. Maybe I am not heroic
4. Wet wool smells like wet dog
5. I love hanging with my friends, no matter the circumstances. It was really fun, but so brutally and unnecessarily hard.
If this writeup sounds cranky, my apologies. I am getting on in years, and my right leg is still really sore. By the time I re-assemble my bike, it will be Super Nuovo Vintage, if you know what I mean. Until next time, when i get talked into some crazy Idaho-type location ride.
How hard can it be? They grow potatoes there!!
