With the ride firmly under my belt, it's time to document it. What a great weekend with friends!
4 couples headed to Napa: Dudes (Coach, AT, Ullrich, Yeti)+Brides (Nitty Kitty, The Natural, Ace, Supergirl).
Landed in SFO on Thursday. Of course you likely already know this if you are a FB friend of the Yeti, who maintains a stream of consciousness relationship with Mark Zuckerberg's creation. AT/The Natural hung out in SFO, while the rest of the crew headed to Sausalito. Lunch at the Spinnaker, where Yeti and Ullrich ordered cosmo-type fruity drinks and celebrated their manhood. We didn't have time to hit Bed, Bath and Beyond, but lunch was lovely.
How You Doin?
Off to Napa. We got a place off VRBO, See link below for specs. Sweet pad with some excellent views of the valley south of Napa. Checked in there and picked up bikes. As with all great human drama, The joy of the weekend was mixed with tragedy. The German suffered deep tragedy, as his Prince was damaged during shipment. As tragic as it was, the German took it as well as you could expect. He rented a Cervelo in place of the Prince. While there is no replacement for the Prince of Italia, the Cervelo proved an able rig. No more shall be said of this. Dinner in the vault at Ristorante Allegria. What was discussed in the Vault, stayed in the Vault. Just know that stories were told, of talcum, hair, and Andy Kaufmann. You would have loved it.
Friday we hit 3 wineries, hydrating in unconventional fashion. Del Dotto rocked, Peju was damn good, and Cakebread was super cool and educational. Pre-ride carbo-load was provided by AT, excellent pasta, steak and grilled veggies. Well done AT!
Del Dotto Caves. Prelude to the Pain Cave...
Girls’ Ride
As I mentioned earlier, the girls opted for the 30 mile route. Two of the group were rockin’ rentals (Natural on a hybrid, Ace on a Specialized Ruby Comp). Both give you some comfort in body position, but one leaves you a little more exposed to the wind. And the taunts of leg shavers.
About 5 miles from the start, the Nitty Kitty punctures. This is where she earns her handle. As the remaining 3 chix pedal off, she mews ever so sweetly for help. Luckily some SAG dude stops and changes her tire. Life is good when a smile is your umbrella. Supergirl, sensing an injustice, turns and retrieves our lost kitty. All fun and games until the ride back. Supergirl, who is made of sterner stuff than her tires, punctures. Whilst changing, Ace (Ventura) feels the call of nature. She drops trow and tinkles, (partially) protected by a Holly tree. In a show of feminine unity and independence, The Natural also waters the same area. Had we done this in Cali, I guarantee you we would be in the pokey. A little later, the Natural gets dropped from the group, likely losing focus on the bike due to reminiscing about an old flame, Andy Kauffman. Unbeknownst to TN, the purseline had stopped at the top of the hill and was waiting for her to rejoin the rolling klatsch (they averaged about 11.5mph). Ever the independent thinker, the Natural eschewed the posted route and relied on the trusty Iphone for directions to Napa. Unfortunately, this led to a turn off the course and sent the klatsch into a frenzy. Once again, Supergirl pounced. Hauling ass thru drunk Napa traffic, she reeled in our Favorite Yogi in short order. Team unity restored, the ladies maintained a civil pace to the finish. By the way, the finish could not have been more anticlimactic. You turn left at a light (in full traffic) then take another immediate left into a parking lot, greeted by ONE dude ringing a cowbell. Seriously.
The powerpuff squad then reposed to the victory garden for free Sierra Nevada. I think they served food too, but who cares! Well done ladies!!
The Grape Ape
Ride day was perfect. 50 degrees at the start. The ladies did the 30 miler, the fellas the hundo.
Pre-Ride:
This is the absolute worst part of any group ride. 800 riders, and a lot of legshavers in the crew. This was a pretty experienced crew, no chicken suits or unicycles. Still, in every pack of Rule V-ers, there is a zeta crew of D-bags. For instance, there was the little Italian (5'3"-200lbs) wearing a kit that looked like Jackson Pollock vomited all over him. Orange, Red, Light Blue, with yellow shoes. And a bike that looked like it just ran a Cross track. Please. Then the Deloitte guy with the brand new Wilier, touch screen Garmin, and Sidi Ergo 2's. And about 280lbs. Made Eardie look like a climber. AT takes one look and states "buying it is the easy part".... Lastly, there was the person in the MontereyVkit. WTF? . Maybe I was just antsy, but I felt trapped in a cage.
Finally it was go time. Rolled out of Napa cold but excited. Heart rate was too high all day. Hydration Equation: adrenaline+wine=elevated HR.
First two miles were "controlled", which meant we rode super slow. Escorted by a chopper. Point for next year: Helicopters are not a super great idea in a bike ride. Wind sucks when you know where it's coming from. Sucks even worse when it attacks you in stealth mode. First 20 miles were super flat. we all stayed together in a quick group. I would call them the B- group. Hung with them for the first 20 miles. Hit the first climb and they slowly pulled away. Me and AT lost Ullrich and Yeti at this point. We climbed at a manageable pace, like big guys saving matches for the timed section.
Timed Climb Notes, or COACH/AT go spelunking in the Pain Cave
The timed climb was not exactly scientific. They sent groups off in five minute increments, which left AT and I waiting at the bottom for a few minutes. We went out hot. Two fat guys dueling with butterknives. It was not Contador v. Armstrong. But it was still in your face competition. Was not my best day in the saddle, and AT was feeling his oats. EPO? Probably not. Pre-ride sacrifice to Bacchus? More likely. Moreover, just pure freakin’ elbow grease, courtesy of PedalHard. Whatever the cause, I was hammering and he was on me like a dingleberry. Could not shake him. When the climb (4 miles, Cat3-per Strava) leveled a bit, he would get cheeky and pop in front of me, giving me a cherry massengill smile as he passed. Well Played Mauer. Well played. In the end, we both dug deep into the pain cave. My power numbers were average, but the HR was ridiculous (188bpm) over the 23 minute effort. We crossed the finish line a second apart, 70th and 71st out of 400+ entrants. Not bad for some fat wine sots out for a ride. AT immediately cramped, and I wanted to get a lung transplant. As we recuperated, we were served a tasty looking treat from the Culinary Institute (don’t waste your money). It supposedly had olive oil and ginger. Perhaps, but it had a heaping helping of sawdust. We popped it in our mouths, and simultaneously vacated it, reenacting a scene out of Tom Hanks’ classic movie“Big”. I think AT actually scraped his tongue.
Ullrich/Yeti
As they waited at the bottom, the Yacker accosted our German. Apparently, the demise of the Prince is big news amongst the wrenches in Napa. This dude had all the gear, and was talking loudly about the Fallen Prince, the forthcoming hammerfest that awaited the crowd, and other boring stuff that Ullrich told me, which I forgot. Even the Yeti grew tired of the vocal spewage. This is an indicator of Douchedom. After they got the green light, Yeti and the German flushed the Douche out the back. As a wise old man once said, “buying it is the easy part”…
We all regrouped at the top, gathered our wits, then headed downhill.
I must pause here for emphasis.
I must pause here for emphasis.
This was the best descent of our lives.
The vote was unanimous. We all just bombed it. It was like 10 miles, great roads, limited switchbacks. Seemed like it went on forever.
From that point we turned on to the Silverado Trail. We formed a nice paceline for the entire remaining 30 miles, sharing the load according to what was left in our tanks. The Yeti went out in a blaze of glory, popping after a great extended pull. Hey, this cycling stuff is a lot harder than walkin’ on your hands! Ready, OK!! We rolled into a header the whole way back. But it was flat, so there is that.
Finish line was anticlimactic.
Except for:
-Ullrich’s superhero skill is the mega cramp. Which he demonstrated as he dismounted the Cervelo post-ride. It was like he was receiving an incubus-style digital exam. Possibly the funniest move ever. Ask me to demonstrate next time I see you.
-Beers and tacos at the finish were freakin’ awesome
-I won a bottle of Cab at the post-ride raffle. It was rigged. But I don’t care. Got a kiss from the Ride Angel. She could have been a part-time model.
The victory dinner at Cole's Chop House was phenomenal. Best steak place in Napa. The Magnum of Nickel & Nickel = More than a dime of Happyness. Plus, it generated some great conversation. For instance, we learned the impetus of the Natural's moniker. We also learned the proper way to stuff an olive with bleu cheese. And that the Sommelier's husband is a priest.
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